what’s holding me back

I thought love will make us grow if he tells you that he loves you but finds many things to hurt and shame you from other people you come in contact with is it love?

Hiding from my shell of depression the pain in my heart that I can’t contain that shatters my soul to the core  . I thought , I’m already healed from depression but his oppression leads me to my despair.

He tried to control you locked you in the four corners of the room to bleed and die from anxiety, depression and despair. When, you have already seen the beauty and wonders of life by achieving the real and greatest desires of your heart.

Though, he tried to change and makes everything on my favor the pain of what he have done still lingers on.

I try to forgive and forget but the hurt just won’t let go . Loneliness consumes me and make me hide in the dark.

If love makes you fly then, why he always clipped my wings and ruined my desires?

If love is unconditional then why I’m tired, tired of fighting my way anymore did I was the only one who tries to understand? To makes my marriage work?

I’ve dealt this for far too long my afflictions have been too great that I can’t move on .

I’m afraid to go out ….. the fear and the pain consumes me and pain shatters me . I asked the darkness to cover me.

I’m lost, lost in my despair . I finally found my happiness yet he takes everything away from me saying he loves me and he was just jealous. Jealous with my God  and with the people who I come in contact with? Jealous over the zealousness of my spiritual aspirations  that I’ve built all my life?

When, I’ve done everything to make our family thrive yet his jealousy is like a cancer to the bones , it slowly kills me until one day you search the world for someone to talk and be with even for a few hours .

You thought, that they are there to bring sunshine to your lonely days and yet once again you’re  confronted with the  ugly truth of  pain and  betrayals. I trust him and loved him more than my life.  Thinking that you’ve found your twin flame but to your horror , your mistakes meet you with its ugly , annoying smirking face laughing at your human weakness. But, I feel the  connection so intense that drives me crazy. I can even hear the questions he asked  in my head or was it a dream? Though, we never ever meet in person or he is just an illusion. The connection has been broken long before it started. It change me and it alters me . He gives me a lesson that I can’t forget forever.

I was even thinking that the universe collides to make us meet. I have this funny notion that ,I am this entity inspired from the past through my dreams and visions. That destiny make us meet  in this lifetime to complete that promise in the past. Is it serendipity or a twist of fate. He has become the inspiration of why I write now, eventually writing was my first love. I love books and reading was my favorite pastime and Shakespeare is  my idol in that field.

Who, will I blame?  Blaming my vulnerability and blaming my heart for my weakness . I promise to love my God and never leave by his side after two years I broke that promise by living apart from him . I suffer the consequences of my actions but there was nothing to regret from. It’s my choice and I was plaque by oppression from my immediate environment from the people I loved and gave my heart and everything that I have.

I blame myself for what happened. It makes me stronger and  now I can manage to control my emotions even my situation. I will not allow never again that, I promise to myself never  to fall at the same trap that consumes my sanity .

I will not change . I will try to make my situation better in the end . Though, I’ve been terribly hurt that won’t change of who I was inside. I’m still a generous loving soul who was deeply wounded but I’ll let my wounds be my weapon to heal those around me.

As for now, I’m still tending my wounds . Wounds of the soul is very hard to cure though there’s no scars that you can see but a broken spirit that hides within the being that you are. It can kill and it can destroy you if , you can’t conquer it.

Upon,three years of living in utter isolation .  The pain that confronts  me at the moment is raw, real  and scary. I’m sorry if I try to hide myself more than ever. You know that it’s my hubby who was abusing someone sending obscene words to an Indian man who was my friend here. He was a dear friend who was with me from the start of my journey here in WP and one of my inspiration. Though, I really don’t meet  him in person for real he is very dear to me.

I feel the pain the shame and humiliation shredding my integral core. I’ve been a woman of God who receives the gifts of spiritual blessings until I was brutally tested by fate.

Yes, life’s a bitch …..and I’ve been a bitch loving someone more than my God has brought me too my disgrace.

I learned my lesson in life , asking myself of everything that transpired reflecting over the events of the past . What brought the changes? I know the problem lies with my attitude . I was too emotional easily swayed and fearful of human authority .

I manage to tackle all my problems he, my other half asked for forgiveness he was really sorry for what he have done. Funny thing is the problem that started it all is the one that bring us together and eventually, he accepted my faith .He talked with my family and knows that it was his mistake at first. I’ll try to forgive and  forget, my children is my life’s real treasure and being a product of a broken family brought trauma and great pain from the past that cannot be healed. I won’t let them suffer the way I did .I will sacrifice my happiness for them. I will do everything for them.

This is my truth…..

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2 comments

  1. colinandray · July 16, 2015

    You seem to be questioning whether how he treats you is an expression of love. You and I both know the answer to that question however, you do appear to be taking all the blame which is wrong. Much as it takes two to create a relationship, it also takes two to dissolve one. This means that while you surely have to take some responsibility for where you are now, so must your partner. You cannot fix his problems, but you can acknowledge where perhaps you went wrong and then pray for guidance so that you can move on with your life.
    Based on how you are describing his treatment of you, he is not going to change so for your sake, and that of your children, you must move on with your life.
    As for doing anything for your children? The best thing that you can do for them is to get your own life organized and happy. It is not good for them to see you constantly being devastated by your relationship problems. Children are very perceptive. They know when things are not right even if they do not understand why!

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · July 16, 2015

      yes, you are right . I’m dissolving into nothingness . I’m totally devastated I was angry with myself . I was afraid to lost him and my children only to know that he wants me to choose between me and my God because of a woman he wanted to covet. It shatters me upon knowing it from his mouth . I made a very grave mistake of turning against God and my faith and there comes a time he wants to take every tiny pieces of happiness in my life even writing . Writing gives me the courage to stand out against him though in the end he try to come to reason but the damage was done the pain that shatters my soul was already imprinted within my bones. I just pray that I can heal and return to the way I was before.Thank you for your words of wisdom . He promised but I’m observing if he is true to his words.

      Like

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