soul searching

I saw, a tranquil blue ocean amidst a clear blue cloudless sky while , I watched from the  mountain top where a white steps of stairs stretched out under  my feet . Below the ground where the waves was lapping  the shore, it was a magical sight. A deep sense of euphoria, tranquility and serenity washed my senses. Looking far out to the vastness of the ocean with its power to heal my soul consoling my inner turmoil. In a dream, I saw it  wishing that it was real.

“Lord, in your arms, I give  my spirit in utter confusion, I lost my soul. Now, here I am renew my heart please, don’t depart . Life in all it’s beauty that shines before my eyes by making me see your blinding light. Here, I am take me in your loving arms rescue me, my heart is bleeding and wounded by this cruel world where I tread. Shine on Lord! shine on and bless our wounded souls bandage our pain and heartaches that we carry in this world  that is full   of angst and turmoil.

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I came to the point when you said enough is enough! Life’s reality is not as  beautiful as you want to experience or perceive it to be . In its complexity hiding behind the backseat, your mirrored twin in front of you smirking and snarling it’s annoying grin   looking at you  beneath the surface of our unconscious minds the pain, anxiety, discouragement, anger, depression ,jealousy is latent it’s always there no matter how hard we want our life to be perfect. Sometimes, God’s testing our faith and loyalty .But, I failed in return, in my fear of losing  financial support and emotional blackmail of separation over some other woman.

I was with my children. They go wherever I go. The happiest and most productive days of my life because I really want to have a fulfilled life helping people be it morale , time or money.Spiritually, I was truly blessed . My children are with me serving the community and God it’s a dream come true but changes took place. I have to choose between my husband and God. I asked for God’s guidance consulting pastors and friends or family. But my hubby’s manipulations are very strong I fear him more than my God. In the end, I choose o obey my hubby rather than God what told me to do. In return, after three years that my problem has been lifted .Funny though, because in the end everything turns out for my favor.But before everything took place I suffer terrible heartache above all, I learn blogging . I have freedom now to do just what I love to do with my hubby’s support.

When, expectations crumbles and we become humbled by the mistakes of the past.Karma strikes like lightning in the sky to whom there is no escape…Sins done in secret will be expose in the open I felt disgraced but it must happen to help me gain awareness for a reason ….a process of change for me to learn who really loves me more is it God or man?

I suffered the consequences of my actions in my dreams three waves came crashing in on me . Reaching out my hands to receive it ….the waves forms into a water child speaking and laughing talking to me but  I can’t decipher what he says. I stay atop the mountain oblivious of what’s  happening,  then children hovered around me happily circling around me  the sun is shining brightly.

It’s true , dreams have significant meanings telling us beforehand what will take place .I know the meaning because the three waves represents three years that I will suffer trials and tribulation as well as meeting the  great love of my life that relates to my childhood dreams writing poetry.  It’s the third year truly the waves of transformation take over my life. These three year, I saw my strenght  and weaknesses  asking myself,why did I suffer abuse and taken advantage of  by his family ….because, I let them. Being a fanatic christian and a legionary of the immaculate heart of Mary, her as my role model since childhood. It’s not good if we practice goodness to the extreme forgetting oneself . Pleasing people and putting others before ourselves. When our expectations are not met the pain  will tear our soul apart.

I made a promise before God’s throne a vow that I forsake  angered by the abuses and disrespect over the generosity that we provide for his family For me money is irrelevant but a family is a treasure but they abused my generosity . I suffered for them and provided for them but why do  they gobble me whole when I extend my hands to help?

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