internal upheaval

I’m battling with internal upheaval as well as  having no internet connection which have been forcefully  cut down by my hubby for him my word press preoccupation is  waste of time and useless  a hobby. I’m using a mobile connection which is exasperating that drags me down more to  a depressive situation…..slow action. I have a lot of projects working in my head that I don’t know where to start.

For the last few days ,I played with my kids starting a positive change there has been a lot of changes lately. I do general cleaning around our house with their help and it’s a lot of fun doing things together laughing and joking with them it really boost my spirit.Cleaning the house it’s like clearing issues at the back of my head throwing trash and garbage of my life which does not serve me anymore. But, I just really want to take a break to think to unwind and be free for a while.

A few sleepless nights, I can’t sleep for a few days my heart is beating thundering deep down inside me.  I want to do blogging but I want to distance a bit from the internet connection and spend time with the people I  love going out with them . Since, school opening is within a week a way were doing shopping school supplies and stuffs like that.

It also concern with some health issues looking in the mirror I don’t look really good . Starting workout routines which has been one of the major cause of our fights and misunderstanding before. I’m an insomniac and my unused energy makes my mind  become hyper active so, I need to use my energy more to sleep well. For me looking good is what makes me feel good about myself also.

I also do a deep internal reflection asking myself what’s really gotten into me the toxins in my system tries to destabilize me unable to move as it flushed away from my system Throwing my anxiety into the drain really helps and those constant doubts that won’t leave , then my mind is clearer  now,I know what I really wanted. What is really missing in my life my restlessness grows bigger that questioning myself leads me to become very restless. Asking myself is this the life that I really wanted? I want more and the more I have synthesis over my situation things got clearer  now. Sometimes, silence and taking time to change pays off.

Thinking about the future is very crucial gathering the facts the pros and cons together Something  in me must need to change for a while I’ve dwindled on investing or do some changes now, I’m certain I just can’t live the way how I live my life now. I must take action my experience here in word press really helps and I’m thankful, for the great opportunity that you have provide for me to grow and believe in myself and not doubt anymore.

I’ve change and evolve from a dinosaur to what? a house lizard yes, I’m humbled being here being the insignificant that I am of no formal education, a mother who thinks that I can’t do anything good or great  realizing everything can be achieve by hard work and determination . Moreover, inspiration that comes from love of loveones, a soul mate, the help of friends who really cares, the inspiration of the stars that gathers around me made me think I’m not alone after all. I’m rubbing shoulders with the great people of the world and accept me as a family really boost my self-esteem. I want to thank you all for taking time to care, to listen,for helping me to grow and transform and see my potential in writing. I know there’s so much that I have to learn knowing that I can’t learn at once. I have my future ahead of me now and I’m willing and happy from  your guidance and help  towards achieving my destiny.

I love you WordPress and everyone who share their time with me without you I won’t evolve, I will not grow and become aware and start to believe in myself again. I have a very low self-esteem  due to  my solitude that rooted from my traumatic childhood.

The truth? I blamed my husband for ruining everything what I stand for if only he understands  and let me act and do how I want everything done in the house and handling family affairs instead his selfish desires drove us apart and blaming it all to myself ? I’m working my spirituality my whole life since childhood by changing everything and restricting me away from everything that makes me happy. He shattered me  heart and soul and drove me into the darkness but eventually that darkness also lead me to light in knowing myself more and preparing my  way to the future. I learned that

Everything that happens  in our lives whether it’s good or bad that transform us is beneficial for our growth instead of being angry we should  be thankful for both the lesson and the blessings  that comes to our lives

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7 comments

  1. colinandray · May 26, 2015

    This is so well written and clearly shows that you are coming to terms with your circumstances and looking at options. A lesson I learned a long time ago maybe of interest to you (regarding your education).

    The only difference between you, and a skilled person, is knowledge and experience. If you knew what the skilled person knew, you could do what they do. If you get the experience, then you could do it as well as they do.

    My Dad gave me an example of this when he built his first house. He learned how to from library books; by looking at houses under construction, and by asking lots of questions. We ended up with a very nice home.

    Don’t let your lack of formal education prevent you from doing what you want to do. Just be prepared to do a lot of reading; ask a lot of questions, and listen carefully to the answers.

    All the best. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 26, 2015

      thank you, the reason I choose to let my walls be shattered it’s painful and just because I have much to learn from you. Thank you, so much for your encouragement. Self synthesis is all I need to determine my issues of the past by not taking direct actions for a few days. I realized that my failures and traumatic childhood my marriage makes me who and what I am today. There’s so much to learn and thank you foe being always there for me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Trudy · May 27, 2015

    Even without the Internet you are still a creative person I know writing leaves too much evidence, but notes in the phone when you can’t get a connection will help the restlessness in my opinion. I wish you well during this difficult process. Don’t stop writing!

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 27, 2015

      Thanks Trudy,…The truth is even without the internet I have my notebook tons of them and a pen a diary in hand . No one or nothing can stop me from writing.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. handikwani02 · May 27, 2015

    Reading your post emphasises the point that we all need a space where we can expresses how we feel without any fear.Lack of formal education can not stop you to become the person you are meant to be, the fact that you have been able to express your thoughts so well in your posts shows you are a very creative person.
    I only hope you will continue to post your thoughts on your blog because it is good for you more especially you will inspire someone who is in a similar position.
    Wish you all the best .

    Liked by 1 person

  4. cote8050 · May 27, 2015

    never stop writing my friend, you are an amazing woman to do all that you do!! I don’t know what your life is like but it sounds a lot harder than mine and yet you continue to hope and work hard and write beautifully!! I admire and honor you, much love!

    Like

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