Radical change

It’s going to  be serenity to sorrow sort of thing a cyclical battle within.  Hey! what’s happening?dealing with my inner demons that has  been lurking in the dark shadows of my mind hiding there inert for such a very long time . Now, it’s gonna be a hard and   tough job shoveling things that once was buried at the back of my mind.  Why the changes too many questions right?

The answer is,  I recall want to know myself and what are  the reasons of my fears and failures, to rebalance my life, a deeper knowledge and understanding of myself so that I can understand others more. To banish the doubts of my well-being and gain confidence and self-esteem.

I’m someone who shows out late doesn’t bother about time and meetings things like that too well absorb of my world. I think , I learn to love my present state of isolation which is very wrong. I must contact my family more often as possible to be close to them but my unhealthy marital condition prevents me from doing so. I realized my unhappiness of my present situation makes me wanna hide and be silent. I don’t want my family to know what’s going on with me thinking that they don’t really care. I try to battle my bottled emotions inside me with no one else to turn to but myself and my GOd, also my books.

I’ve been with a group of people before and I saw how to deal with other’s with cheerfulness, enthusiasm, with pure energy and leadership. This will help  in  shedding light with the issue of my personality in dealing with my introverted and extroverted world . In addition, dealing with my  conscious and subconscious  self on my personal perceptions for  my wish to  change the  self actualization in conquering my present pathetic beaten self to a better person. To become  a woman of value and able to rise above problems of everyday living  and financial freedom.

I love writing in reference to  the lighter side and  forever dreaming about love , illusions and fantasies . I miss blogging those stuff it makes me smile but reality is here and now. Whether we like it or not the truth hurts a lot. But, sometimes we have to face reality to heal those past traumas that holding me captive for over many years of  existence on earth.

We can’t self medicate we always need the expert and I am the victim of life’s blows and all those painful blows left an imprint  tattooed on my skin. I think I was left naked in the cold winter’s night all black and blue but I’m here standing alone in the cold night winter air boldly. Without anything  to cover me from the harsh   freezing cold night air   …..I’m going to die soon. All of me buried under 6 feet to emerge a new person after all this  ordeal , I know life will be better and I’m going to have understanding of my  humanity in general.  Looking up  for loopholes of my the past  failures in life studying about my life’s history is what will bring  me to  a brighter  future that I truly hoped for .For life’s radical change. It’s very hard dealing with staggering slow internet connection that’s going on and off. I can’t post and it seems I have to wait a lifetime being lost in the swirl of this virtual world.

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129 comments

  1. sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

    Hey I have nominated you for the Liebster Award so kindly check it out. https://persuitandpassion.wordpress.com/2015/05/14/liebster-award/ 🙂 Will be waiting for your answers keenly. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 14, 2015

      thanks ….I have one but did not post it for personal reason. Thanks maybe, this time I’ll do it need a push right?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

    Hey are u ok….you make me feel concerned for u…my dear

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 14, 2015

      I’m ok …don’t worry.

      Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        pls if u want to share with me something do share ok…..as i wont come to know what u r going through if u dont tell me. take care ok 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        why the change I sensed your not a man you’re a woman who wants to take even with me. Do you think I can’t feel you? don’t you think I can’t sense the anger in your heart? why are you hiding? why are you angry at me hiding in the words of compassion.I know who he is but who are you? you’re not the man I used to know . he is a good friend if you are jealous of our connection well I am not taking him with you he is just a boy I cared a lot. But definitely you are not him.

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        I’m sorry I won’t talk with him anymore if that pleases you…. he is just a friend a good one. You know? you sound like a jealous girlfriend hahaha don’t worry I won’t be your rival I will love you just the same he is my son so that would make you my daughter.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        oh my god why are changing my gender lol 😛

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        because….the other time you say you are my son and now? I don’t understand you’re becoming too bold. lol naturally , very confusing right?

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        i am so sorry if i was like that…..i need to apoligize…wil u forgive me…plss 😦 m sorry

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        it’s ok but hope you shed some light I know you helped me many times before …. I’m always thankful you’re my friend and I love you too.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        i am also happy if i am helpful to someone. 🙂 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        yeahhhh thanks a lot ! you’re my great friend. Hope ….you don’t change.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        No i wont…not for u….i will the same Sulagno u loved…by the way if u dont mind can i ask when is your daughter returning home lol 😛

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        no, you will not like her ….she’s too childish for you and she doesn’t like talking with boys online. Whenever I come online they are with me all the time or am with a friend

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        See u too are feeling afraid the same way my crush does…..why are u people so afraid or embarrassed of me. i am just a normal human being. Is it a wrong thing to talk to or be in touch with a girl being a boy? Is it wrong me being a boy? I am asking you to trust me. You know me quite well n u also know i cant n wont do any harm to her. Just want to be her friend if only u allow.

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        I ove too but she’s wary with social media she’s stop fb and she don’t have any skype account she’s one straight girl and very outspoken and spirited .Someday she will but I don’t have any account connecting with you.

        Like

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        Why did she stop fb?? Is she ok? All is fine? By the way she seems interesting to me. I will wait to get connected to her. 🙂 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        she’s very selective with friends ….she’s busy with church activities at the moment.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        Does she have a gmail acount

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        told you she’s not interested in social media and am too weary even before it happens

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        then she might already be having a boyfriend. Parents dont know all the time. I hate this nature of girls if they get a boyfriend they forget the entire world. That bf commands dont talk to any1… i hate this thing

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        no, I’m her best friend I’m a mind reader so she can’t hide from me I can see things happening and I can feel it in the air even if I’m afar from that person specially if I’m talking with them I can feel thier hearts . I’ve done it already when she have her first bf I noticed already and consult about my observation she was just talking to the guy through the guy’s sister see?

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        ohh she had bf already. So what happened to it? How is it going? How is that guy? 🙂 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        you know that someone been using me? having a second aaccount and I know who are they my lady of the lake blog was shared by some one who is running a rumor about me

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        you see I can read minds and it’s painful to know that someone’s using you to meet thier ends

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        oh god i feel for u 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        do what u find is necessary …..

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        i asked about your daughter’s 1st bf…u forgot about it…….how are their relationship?

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        when I confront her he break up with him so it lasted for a week finish then she didn’t trust men again . She focus on her studies told her no bf until she finish college

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        i feel for her….. 😦 thats very bad to face a break up at this tender age. It breaks the will to love again. I now understand everything why she behaves like that. i feel for her

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        nah it’s nothing serious for her

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        i wish i cloud love her and care for her……i know its a weird dream but a dream i want to have come true ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        yes everything impossible will be possible if we believe and have faith right ?

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        i think i have a slight crush on her ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        lol someday I let you met

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        u know na that i have a sensitive heart though may be hardly any1 respects that. They think i m week

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        heheh nah….. but you don’t believe that I can read minds do yah!

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        if u can read minds…read mine n help me figure out do i have feelings of love for you daughter…..i really want to know ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        yes in a manner that is sisterly

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        not gf ??

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        lol ….so you’re a girl.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        lol sorry but can i be her bf ?? 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        yes! ok that’s a big yes now are you satisfied?

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        🙂 i hope my smile will explain you 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        but send picture to my gmail and I’ll show it to her. ok? She’ll love it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        yup by the way i look funny lol 😛

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        nahhh want to see you too.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        ok good night. I will dream about her 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        sweetdreams

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        hey i mailed u ok……not in hangout simply mail….

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        ok I don’t do hangouts not again I be involve in seeing someone in internet just emails will suffice

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        I love you too… sorry I’m very rude at times.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        i only wish i can love your daughter more then i love u….then only i will love u more sincerely 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        you can love us both as you like ….I really want to know you i know your hiding something glad that I know now.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 15, 2015

        ❤ 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 15, 2015

        What do u think i am hiding from u my dear? 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 19, 2015

        Now, I’m glad to know you’re not hidingn anything because you’re always with me from the start my very first who liked my post. Thank you for being there my inspirer and motivator. I was wrong just want to make sure and know something you see my brain beeen whacking too man questions and I don’t know the lies from the truth glad that I know who you really are that’s the only thing I want to know. The mischievous side of me wants to know you better that’s why I go with the play. sorry about that sometimes I’m rude but I really want a friend with whom I can trust i’ve been betrayed countless times and the pain just won’t go. I won’t betray you but I want to know you more deeply.My remorse was testing you before reading you’re poetry that’s so cruel right ? you’ve given me the answers beforehand. The net was also very slow at that time I can’t open post without waiting a decade.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 19, 2015

        u are so sweet n i dont hesitate to say that i love u very much ❤ 🙂 pls be with me as well my crush betrayed me as well….m in pain 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 19, 2015

        I’m always there for you ……what happened?

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 19, 2015

        nothing much….may be i should have been used to all this. Read my that story…for somone special…u ll know th thing better….we call it in our language cutoff but not break….who knows how long weeks, months, years….. 😦 i dont like it but have to bear it 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 19, 2015

        why? What happenned love? ok I’ll read it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 19, 2015

        See the thing is she again appeared for her exam this no problem. After exam she went back home, and the heights of conservativesness is that i am not allowed to talk to her when she is at home why bcs m a boy 😦 I have been waiting since weeks which has turned into a month with no clue how her paper went, how is she, where is she, when will she come back. She doesnt even give a damn of me, busy in making her own life and gets screwed up everytime she is without me. The last time i checked my gmail her account was turned restricted. Now i dont know what to do. N u know the sad part her disappearing makes me worry n my studies get affected. i told u my papers are going on. 😦 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 19, 2015

        yes, I know…It’s very hard when you love someone so much ….It seems part of you was lost forever they carry your soul a part of it with them. It’s heartbreaking I know I do underst

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 19, 2015

        i cry for her 😦 i love u soo much so i dared to share my grief with u….i feel a bit relaxed now…hope i can study

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 19, 2015

        ok please study and don’t think about her for the moment …after you finish you’re study you’ll see ….heavens will smile for you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 19, 2015

        you know last time what happened……she didnt come back for about 8 months…how will i live without her again after she disappears. Ok fine she doesnt want to be my gf but friends do friends beahave like this. Everyone discourages her for her deeds and say she is a stupid now if i m not there who ll take care of her. She cant live without me but dont know why she is always avoiding me. I feel for her. I feel for her if she loses a good friend like me whom she could at least open up.

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 19, 2015

        can I ask aquestion where do you live? i just want to know.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 19, 2015

        yes why not…..ask

        Like

      • sulagno13 · May 19, 2015

        i live in India to be more specific my city is Lucknow, state capital of Uttar Pradesh. But i am doing my btech from VIT which is in Vellore.

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 19, 2015

        great to know …

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        by the way i dont know i should say to u or not but i have a strong sexual desire for my crush. The ecstasy is irresistible may be because m very young. ❤ i love her madly ❤ ❤ but she is not interested. She runs away when i need her the most. I wish to cuddle and make love with her in my dreams every night in as intimate n pleasurable way as possible. I wish to die for her. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        that’s really bad….

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        😦

        Like

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        hey what is this?? i feel the link didnt open

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        I’m not that kind of person you know from the start…..I need friends that’s all.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        hey u send me some link……by the way u can be whatever u want infront of me i wont mind at all my dear 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        no matter what u say we will still be bff dont we? 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        of course we are….But over my dead body I will fight for my dignity I let my wall crumble because I’m an honest person.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        why are u talking of dieing i didnt like that….i dont want u to die. i can never live without u…pls dont talk about dieing

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        you know….honor, reputation, dignity has a high price for me. I keep them for a very long time but I commit a mistake because I love him more than my life indeed that I did not care whether my soul would rot in hell. You know what I mean? I say I love you too is that the link? But, I don’t really know who you are or him at all? all I trust at the moment is the gardener of life .I will give my life only to him.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        i know how much u love your husband n m really glad to know apart from all the hurt u faced stil u love him unconditionally….its lovely u know ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        yes….we have to do the right thing even if it hurts us. Love involves sacrifices.I love you my bff …

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        u won my heart as well i love u tooo ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        i love you too bff …

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        yes, we are friends forever .

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        by the i wanted to know about the link u send me…. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        in skype? is that really you?

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        no i m not in sype….i send u my pic in only on gmail

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        so you’re a woman

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        now what happened?? why do u make me girl??

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        you blurted it out ….you say you send me your picture well that settles things

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        is all fine…..have done anything wrong. Sorry i m bit dumb cant catch things quickly… 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        lol ….it’s good knowing that I’m glad

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        tell me did u see u pic on gmail…….

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        yes….a woman’s face is what you sent me . she’s lovely you know. even without make up.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        omg ……hey she is akansha my dearest friend…….by the way thanx for your compliment <3…..see there must be another image file…on mail not hangout. its me

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        ohhh yes! I’ll look for it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        thank you sooo much to compliment my akansha. She feels low that she looks ordinary but i love her without whatever she has. Her lovely eyes simply melt me down whenever my eyes meet hers. They remained glued. 😀 i m mad for her.

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        good to hear that what’s really important is the inner beauty that can last beauty fades an charm disappear

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        wishing great happiness and unconditional loveis that the link?

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        I will love humanity than loving one person is that the link?

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 20, 2015

        ok

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 20, 2015

        ohhh you are right

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        good night n sweet dreams 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        goodnight ….sweetdreams going to bed now. please take care of yourself . 🙂 🙂 🙂 love you much

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        you want my picture right??

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        yeahhh!

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        🙂

        Like

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        do i sound scary to you? I really did try frighten you lol ….would you believe what I say or it’s sounds like fantasy? I made them up is it possible?

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        i believe it when u say like that about her

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        hehe she’s a stubborn girl; and hated me doing social media that’s the reason if someday you’ll meet and I am afraid to indulged in online conversation even on friendly basis glad she didn’t like it. I love it that you’ll be her friend but she’s not interested with men at the moment.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        oh my god why are girls like that?? Its human nature to get attracted to opposite sex that to at this young age dont u think??

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        yes, usually my childhood friends got married at the age of 30 I’m a wanderer and get caught in a trap at 20

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 14, 2015

        so what?? thats an excuse simply.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. colinandray · May 14, 2015

    Don’t get too caught up in the virtual world because your option is to turn it off. The real world is rather more complex. Consider being up front and honest with your parents. Remember you have no chance of reading their minds, just as they cannot read yours. Communication can solve a lot of problems, but communication is a 2-way street. Both parties must contribute. If it is not possible for you to be open with your family, perhaps a church minister would be able to guide you?

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 14, 2015

      you’re right ….been there before and it’s heartbreaking how my husband tear all my dreams apart how he occupy my life and my rights and my breath …. I talk with my parents and they know everything and they are angry but it’s different when I’m supposed to be with them .It’s hard when we are far from them and I’m alone. They’re always there to help everytime I need them but , I was angry how my hubby use my facebook account to destabilize me telling stories to my cousins with whom I’m closely connected with to get what he wants. At the moment I’m at peace even when my situation is very hard . I’m still positive given time when I can’t take it anymore ….I will tell them everything but I need to be patient I have my kids to consider.. It’s hard when you’re very far away from them. I communicate with them in FB before but now I can’t . He’s the one using it I don’t and can’t make another account by being honest I don’t want another misunderstandings. I made one before and discard it because it makes a big fight between us. I’ve talk with my pastor all they can say is fast and pray well, that’s the only option I have and suffer all my life. I”m waiting for deliverance whichever way changes in him or opportunities abroad with my brothers.

      Like

      • colinandray · May 14, 2015

        Have you considered asking your parents if you can live with them until you can become independent? They may well love to have you and your kids with them.

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        I just realized that if I want to be independent there are lots of people who will help me . There are people that I can turn to but the hardest part is CHANGE and fear for the unknown. want to be independent and be financially free it’s what I really wanted but my papers needs renewal . Maybe, going to the east where some of my family are there and they are devoted christians I can heal spiritually. I have too many painful memories here and it’s ruining me entirely but my children is what keeps me fighting.

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 14, 2015

        I can’t bring my kids with me anywhere there’s no place like home as the saying goes.

        Like

    • franz · May 14, 2015

      If my husband let me come home…. I have tickets and evrything maybe I’m not too obsessed with the virtual world.

      Like

  4. handikwani02 · May 20, 2015

    Most of what you express in this post resonates with a lot, it’s being honest with one’self which helps. Blogging has provided that platform for me. However I do hold back thinking people may not like it. Your post has motivated me not to be afraid of being honest. Thank you once again.

    Like

    • franz · May 20, 2015

      yes, you’re right my honesty makes people laugh and think that I’m insane sorta stuff but hope my honesty could change even myself or other person that is an achievement itself. It’s very hard being honest you’ll be taunt and ridiculed but be yourself anyway. Thanks so much for visiting love to visit yours soon.

      Like

  5. johncoyote · May 20, 2015

    A lot of deep thoughts my friend. I live with the logic. If it will go wrong. It will. I never get disappointed. I enjoyed your writing. Life is a bear and all we do is our best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 21, 2015

      John you set my heart a flutter a great romantic you are. Thanks a lot coming from you it really means so much to me.

      Liked by 1 person

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