Psychological issue of abuse lays stagnant for years it was there latent and sleeping since, I don’t give it enough importance until recently. I haven’t realized the trauma I faced that brings my personal happiness to ruin. It brings great conflict in our marriage life and slowly our relationship got a dramatic turn on the rot. I gave up everything for him .I thought that all things will work together for good if I make him my sole priority. I was mistaken. I was suffering a great deal from the onslaught of defamation from his family backstabbing me against my faith. Now, financially he totally abandon me but I don’t give a damn; him trying to cut the internet connection over his selfish desires to turn me away from any hobby or personal inclinations. Even my Facebook friends and colleagues with whom I’m personally connected with he draws them away from me.
Helping his family resolving problems from the past but what I get from my generosity is contempt over and over the funny thing is .I still help them over and over foolish of me right? It’s very painful when you give your palm but they gobble you whole.
This event of my life brought great hardship, miseries misfortunes,anguish of my daily existence. I change a great deal learning my lessons regretting that I’m not courageous enough to oppose the whims of my husband. I gave him everything my time, my energy and all my love and adoration.
He’s overwhelmed with my devotion he’s acting as if he owns me, my breath, my life , my decisions even my happiness. Slowly, depression, anxiety, stress sets into my system. I become like a machine doing her obligations but my heart was not into it. The happiness and peace which I’ve experienced before sapped out of my system. Being almost alone makes me crave for friendly encounters . One day, I made a pact , which is symbolically divine in choosing my path in life . It happened last January 30. I cried and wept and begged but he’s arrogant and selfishness got hold on him, unable to meet my needs . It’s between spirituality and writing my decision depends on his trust, respect and compassion. He wont listen instead he become more egotistical. I was deeply hurt and broken at that time I’m very emotionally disturbed.He doesn’t know that I’m patching our misunderstanding and I try everything I could to save our marriage but he pushed me away.
What hurts me most is his blatant indifference using my Facebook account he send profane messages and badmouthing my friends and community. I feel annihilated ., being a spiritual leader and I have a big rule in the community am managing few people and places under my care. Now, even they’re still looking for me, I’m ashamed of what happens because many of them are unaware of what’s really happening to me.
My first motive is to lead my children nearer to our creator by following my footsteps but he counter attack every gesture of personal improvement on my part . Involving my children to my activities brought boundless joy on my well-being . Telling myself thank you Lord, it’s a dream come true. But, he ruined everything I try so hard to build slowly, I succumb into depression. I was sick for too long unable to do anything loneliness enveloped me and I hide from the light. I isolate myself to everyone , unable to go out without a companion which he impose that I must be with someone when I go out which is very seldom done. Like a prisoner on parole my life is compared to but still I try to endure.
There was really a time when I said enough is enough, wished I was dead and cried vehemently over my husbands bullying. Everytime he shouts and bullies me saying that I’m not good enough, that dreams are for children, threatening me if I will not do everything that he wanted.
I learn a great deal of christianity because I love to read and walk the talk there were times though that we falter and fall in life, the good thing is I tried. He, otherwise don’t read the bible didn’t know what’s he’s doing to his family. But he’s convinced that he is right.
His chronic verbal aggression was disparaging even my children was vexed when he’s teaching them to oppose me they learn to shout at me. He would tell them to take away everything that makes me happy the laptop he forcefully sold, my books he forcefully throw outside the house through the kids even told them to put them on fire. Angry ,why I bought books instead of buying those useless things i should buy things that is necessary for the house. The books I have, came from the goodwill of friends it really hurt me. Didn’t he know that books is my life they are my sole companion in my lonely nights and lonesome days? I don’t like to go out to gamble or spend time ruining people talking nonesense. I’m a nymphobrainiac in nature so it’s very hard for me not to indulge in animated discussions under the sun. I love to learn from someone and gives my opinion in different matters giving my view in the world but dealing with people who just satisfied with everyday living simply, can’t inspire me.
Many times before opportunity strikes asking him to just let me try working online but he won’t obliged telling me that it’s waste of time it’s like his running in an autopilot opposing and contradicting everything that seems worthwhile to me. I try to reason make him understand but he got more threatening and frightening. It was depressing because he speaks without ceasing that every time I hear him talk even though I try to balance the situation and understand him by my silence. The most painful part is everyone was blaming me for everything that happens in our family.
The greatest disappointment is when I tried to make money online doing business with just little investment I could save and have money of my own to meet my personal needs and I can put money in the bank. I tried small business before in this Godforsaken place it just won’t work until I stopped due to my hubby’s impossible temperamental pride.
Now, stress and depression slowly crept in once again. He’s depriving me from sleep wanting me to meet him everyday at 10 am then meet him before he sleeps at 12 Am to 2 am we have 5 hours time difference. I have to wake up early to take care of the kids since they all went to school. I know, he loves me that much but there’s nothing to talk about just the kids and gossips and stuff. The problem is I’m a hermit I hate gossiping . I don’t like the way my concience nagging at the back of my mind after talking about someone . So, it’s very unhealthy talking about anyone behind thier backs and I’m not updated since, I don’t go out . I don’t want to hear stories about people or airing my grievances to people of my heartbreaking experience with his family. Better to stay safe than create conflicts. Mostly my time went to him just staring into space in front of him. Sitting there like a statue if I try to move the cursor and read, that will incur a big fight my full attention must stay with him and only to him.
At 12 pm we meet online then before he sleeps everyday he wants me to meet him because he don’t want me writing or studying on the internet until I can’t sleep until daybreak. My health is slowly deteriorating my strength was lost. Telling him of my situation but he become repulsive and angry. He won’t listen to me thinking that I always lied to him. I didn’t told him of my spiritual endeavors the reason he’s weary of my situation. Second, knowing that christians practice tithing and he’s wary of me sharing money to church and anyone I know that’s where the conflict originated. I hate it when he’s doing acounting where I put his money when he knows fully well that what he’s given me is not enough that was the big rift between us I can endure any aggression but financial issue must not go between us money …we can work it out together. I believed money come and goes like birds in flight it stays in your palm then fly and vanish in the air but love, respect and understanding builds our marriage. We have 2 college students I am jobless what did he expect? I don’t spend money on useless things all I want to do is save andd acquire possession in real state something that’s lasting. Moreover, we are not rich we don’t have savings and working in middle East is not very lucrative enough to sustain us . He already do the accounting , I can’t save I have investment in memorial plans wich he’s angry about but I know landsand stuffs in time it’s value will rise like gold right? He wants me to be just a simple woman who knows nothing I wished am one who’s just happy sitting there goofy over him starry eyed but I am not. He is an aries man ….I’m a capricorrn woman.