psychological abuse

Psychological issue of abuse lays stagnant for years it was there latent and sleeping since, I don’t give it enough importance until recently. I haven’t realized the trauma I faced   that brings  my personal happiness  to ruin. It brings  great conflict in our marriage  life and slowly our relationship   got a dramatic turn on the rot. I gave up everything for him .I thought that all things will work together for good if I make him my sole priority. I was mistaken.  I was suffering a great deal from the onslaught of defamation from his family  backstabbing me against  my faith. Now, financially  he totally abandon me  but I don’t give a damn; him trying to  cut  the internet connection over his selfish desires to turn me away from any hobby or personal inclinations.  Even my Facebook friends and  colleagues  with whom I’m personally connected with he  draws   them away from me.

Helping his family resolving problems from the past but what I get from my generosity is contempt over and over the funny thing is .I still help them over and over foolish of me right? It’s very painful when you give your palm but they gobble you whole.

This event of my life brought great hardship, miseries misfortunes,anguish of my daily existence. I change a great deal learning my lessons regretting that I’m not courageous enough to oppose the whims of my husband. I gave him everything my time, my energy and all my love and adoration.

He’s  overwhelmed with my devotion he’s acting as if he owns me, my breath, my life , my decisions even my happiness. Slowly, depression, anxiety, stress sets into my system. I become like a machine doing her obligations but my heart was not into it. The happiness and peace which I’ve experienced before  sapped out of my system. Being almost alone makes me crave for friendly encounters . One day, I made a pact , which is symbolically divine in  choosing  my path in life . It happened last January 30. I cried and wept and begged but he’s arrogant and selfishness got hold on him, unable to meet my needs . It’s between spirituality and writing  my decision depends on his trust, respect and compassion. He wont listen instead he become more egotistical. I was deeply hurt and broken at that time  I’m very emotionally disturbed.He doesn’t know that I’m patching our misunderstanding and I  try everything I could to save our marriage but he pushed me away.

What hurts me  most is his blatant indifference using my Facebook account  he send profane messages  and badmouthing my friends and community. I feel annihilated ., being a spiritual leader  and I have a big rule in the community am  managing few people and places under my care. Now, even they’re  still looking for me, I’m ashamed of what happens because many of them are unaware of what’s  really happening to me.

My first motive is to lead my children nearer to our creator by following my footsteps but he counter attack every gesture of personal improvement on my part . Involving my children to my activities brought   boundless joy on my well-being . Telling myself thank you Lord, it’s  a dream come true. But, he  ruined everything I try so hard  to build slowly, I  succumb into depression. I was sick for too long unable to do anything loneliness enveloped me and I hide from the light. I isolate myself to everyone , unable to go out without a companion which he impose that I must be with someone when I go out which is very seldom done. Like  a prisoner on parole my life is compared to but still I try to endure.

There was really a time when I said enough is enough,  wished I was  dead and cried vehemently over my husbands bullying. Everytime he shouts and bullies  me saying that I’m not good enough, that dreams are for children, threatening me if I will not do everything that he wanted.

I  learn  a great  deal of christianity because I love to read and walk the talk there were times though that we falter and fall in life, the good thing is I tried. He, otherwise don’t read the bible  didn’t know what’s he’s doing to his family. But he’s convinced  that he is right.

His chronic verbal aggression was disparaging even my  children was vexed when he’s  teaching them to oppose me they learn to shout at me. He would tell them to take away everything that makes me happy the laptop he forcefully sold, my books he forcefully throw outside the house through the kids even told them   to put them on fire. Angry ,why I bought books instead of buying those useless things i should buy things that is necessary for the house. The books I have, came from the goodwill of friends it really hurt me. Didn’t he know that books is my life they are my sole companion in my lonely nights and lonesome days? I don’t like to go out to gamble or spend time ruining people talking nonesense.  I’m a nymphobrainiac in nature so it’s very hard for me not to indulge in animated discussions under the sun. I love to learn from someone and gives my opinion in different matters giving my view in the world but dealing with people who just satisfied with everyday living simply, can’t inspire me.

Many times before opportunity strikes asking him to just let me try working online but he won’t obliged telling me that it’s waste of time it’s like his running in  an autopilot opposing and contradicting everything that seems worthwhile to me. I try to reason  make him understand but he got more threatening and frightening. It was depressing because he speaks without ceasing that every time I hear him talk  even though  I try to balance the situation and understand him by my silence. The most painful part is everyone was blaming me for everything that happens in our family.

The greatest disappointment is when I tried to make money online doing business with just little investment  I  could save and have money of my own to meet my  personal needs and I can put money in the bank. I tried small business before in this Godforsaken place it just won’t work until I stopped due to my hubby’s   impossible temperamental pride.

Now, stress and depression slowly crept in once again.  He’s  depriving me from sleep wanting me to meet him everyday at 10 am then meet him before he sleeps at 12 Am to 2 am we have 5 hours time difference.  I have to wake up early to take care of the kids since they all went to school.  I know, he loves me that much but there’s nothing to talk about just the kids and gossips and stuff. The problem is I’m a hermit I hate gossiping . I don’t like the way my concience nagging at the back of my mind after talking about someone . So, it’s very  unhealthy talking about anyone behind thier backs and I’m not updated since, I don’t go out . I don’t want to hear stories about people or airing my grievances to people of my heartbreaking experience with his family. Better to stay safe than create conflicts. Mostly my time went to him just staring into space in front of him. Sitting there like a statue if I try to move the cursor and read, that will incur a big fight my full attention must stay with him and only to him.

 At 12 pm we meet online then before he sleeps everyday he wants me to meet him because he don’t want me writing or studying on the  internet until I can’t sleep until daybreak. My health is  slowly  deteriorating  my strength was lost. Telling him of my situation but  he become repulsive and angry. He won’t listen to me thinking that I always lied to him. I didn’t  told him of my spiritual endeavors the reason he’s weary of my situation. Second, knowing that christians practice tithing and he’s wary of me sharing money to church and anyone I know that’s where  the conflict originated. I hate it when he’s doing acounting where I put his money when he knows fully well  that what he’s given me is not enough that was the big rift between us I can endure any aggression but financial issue must not go between us money …we can work  it out together.  I believed money  come and goes like birds in flight it stays in your palm then fly and vanish in the air but love, respect and understanding builds our marriage. We have 2 college students I am jobless  what did he expect? I don’t spend money on useless things all I want to do is save andd acquire possession in real state something that’s lasting. Moreover, we are not rich we don’t have savings and working in middle East is not very lucrative enough to sustain us . He already do the accounting , I can’t save I have investment in memorial plans wich he’s angry about but I know landsand stuffs in time it’s value will rise like gold right? He wants me to be just a simple woman who knows nothing I wished am one who’s just happy sitting there goofy over him starry eyed but I am not. He is an aries man ….I’m a capricorrn woman.

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27 comments

  1. sulagno13 · May 10, 2015

    No matter what happens i am always there by your side so dont feel lonely or week. Happy Mother’s Day 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 10, 2015

      thanks….you’re so sweet.

      Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 10, 2015

        hey if u dont mind can i be friends with your daughter. I hope she will also sweet and lovely as u are 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 10, 2015

        no, she don’t entertain suitors just now ….she’s 19 and have lots of dreams . Someday if you meet her but she’s not into dating nor looking for one. She’s devoting her life for school and God.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 10, 2015

        i am not any1’s suitor ok…..pls stop taking me wrongly i dont have any such intention pls…i jst want 2 be her friend…we are of similar age hence would love each other’s company

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 10, 2015

        yes, hope so….just time can tell ….she wants to go abroad after studies maybe, then

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 10, 2015

        by the way talking weirdly……if i and your daughter meet and fall in love and accept each other for life may be say after 8-9 years. Will u allow us to be together in a romantic relationship?? ❤ pls tell

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 10, 2015

        I would love that then you will be my true son. wish come true lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 10, 2015

        u too want that to happen……for the same reason only i asked…lol 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 10, 2015

        yes

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 10, 2015

        so sweet…..i wish dreams were easy to be fulfilled 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 10, 2015

        by the how is your daughter, is she beautiful?? ❤ 🙂 simply curiosity

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 10, 2015

        beaauty is in the eye of the beholder so it’s yours to see that lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 10, 2015

        u make me curious…now i really want to see her….hey and it wont be fair enough if u dont show….i opened u my heart n showed my akansha so if u dont it will be unfair. I know she is your princess still let me have the glimpse 🙂 pls

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 10, 2015

        soon lol…she’s not at home

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 10, 2015

        say her that a young friend will be waiting for her 🙂 pls not a crush so far lol 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 10, 2015

        ok …been busy I have friends come over and we’re singing our hert’s out . I love music and singing is one of my hobby

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 10, 2015

        by the way from tomorrow my term end exam will be starting…pls shower me with your blessings and prayers. I need to do well this. You know na that i cant screw up my life anymore. My mom just called me and said me all the best. I need to give her a mothr’s day gift and u as well dear one. Love u as always n will be missing u ❤ take care of yourself n do take care of your daughter. 😀 see u 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 10, 2015

        ok ….break a leg know you can do it. Blessings of light and light from above I know you can do it brilliant one. That will a perfect mother’s day gift .

        Liked by 1 person

  2. colinandray · May 10, 2015

    Hi Franz: Your Post covers so much information that it is difficult to know where to start commenting! Perhaps I could express some opinions of your husband. He would appear to be a product of a culture that makes women merely servants of the men. If this is correct, and if I am understanding all your other comments correctly, then it is unlikely that he will change. He clearly wants to be in charge of everything and seems to resent you making any decisions.

    You have to decide whether you can live with him under those conditions, or not. If not, then are you going to have cultural issues with leaving him? Does your own family understand your situation, or do they think that you should do as you are told? Is it practical for you to move out of the home and live elsewhere?

    As you already know, you cannot deal with everything all at once and I would suggest that your first priority is to decide what options you have that are realistic.

    Some other thoughts:
    Be true to yourself. You know the person who you are, and who you would like to be. Don’t deny yourself an opportunity to be the best that you can be.

    If your husband cannot see the beauty and the potential in you, then feel sad for him because he is going miss something very special and will probably end up a lonely and bitter old man.

    Take care. Prayers are with you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • franz · May 10, 2015

      That’s the hardest part making changes you know? fears of the unknown….I have lots of that makes me doubtful. He manipulated my family saying that i’m too addicted to internet. He called them since, they’re too far away from me that makes it very hard I’m alone here . I kept evrything secret to them. If things get very hard I have people I could run to in Manila ….I have family there who would accept me happily so no need to worry at the moment. I was thinking hard unless he won’t address the issue …there’s no way we can’t patch things up the hardest part is he thinks I’m the one who is wrong. He won’t accept his mistakes. thanks for your concern it’s very hard for me but at the moment my children are my priority the mere reason I tried to be strong.

      Like

      • colinandray · May 10, 2015

        If he thinks that everything is your fault, and is not prepared to accept his mistakes, is there any possibility of a compromise? Spending a lot of time on the Internet is a common relationship issue so could you perhaps agree to spend less time on the Internet, if he will …………………… (whatever would make you happy)?

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 10, 2015

        I know it’s hard to make a solution with my problem right now. I pray that God will make a way out with this mess I’m in. I know God has a perfect plan for me so I’ll wait for divine intervention it’s hard to plan without God’s guidance but I know what I really wanted. I want to be someone who can create a difference in the world. Simply, my place isn’t here.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. L. T. Garvin, Author · May 10, 2015

    Psychological abuse is a difficult thing, I have been there. I wish you peace and safety, may you have the strength to do what you need to do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 10, 2015

      Thank you, so much for your concern i really appreciate it. hope that God will abide in me and guide me to safety. He is not with me at the moment so, I can endure when he comes home I know it will be a very big problem. Hope by then I can move.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. galacticexplorer · June 26, 2015

    I just want you to know that your husband’s actions are completely wrong and you don’t deserve this treatment. No one person deserves to have sole ownership of another’s life. You deserve to have your own interests and to have books and to have online friends and anything else you want, without him destroying those things for you. You are not requiring anything extraordinary… those things are your RIGHT.

    Please take care of yourself. I support you in whatever you do, but please remember to value and protect yourself. You deserve to be happy and to choose your own life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · June 26, 2015

      Thank you, so much for understanding my hardships in life. I just came home from soul searching and thorough reflections in manila with an Aunt who is a pastor we have three in the family and suppport me in my ordeal. He promised to changed , I hope that it would be lasting before coming home he cried and repented. I told my Aunt everything and all the misunderstandings are rooted from him. He is the problem his manner and character. HE promise but the hurt is still here in my heart my children needs me there’s no one to take care of them while, he is abroad at the moment. He’ll be home 7 months from now.

      Like

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