I want to share with you the painful events of my life. I don’t like writing sad stories because,it evokes painful memories from the past and my present. It’s a challenge I have to accept.
I like to write not happy or sad thoughts but, I felt that it’s badly needed my fears and anxiety grows stronger.I felt so shaken at the events I’ve experienced now and being so vulnerable and raw at the core of my being. I cried and cried and the tears kept falling from my eyes. For many years, I’ve never cried a bucket of tears like I’ve done at this ordeal in my life.
Life has never been easy for me.I faced many challenges, hardships,mishaps and troubles along the way but still ,I tried to face a brighter perspective in life by being able to bounce back from all negative energy and feelings. I don’t want to dwell on the past and review past grudges and hurts. As for me, I have a lot of it but, I learn not to expect much. I learned that the more you expect from someone the more hurt you’ll be when expectations are not met. I’m a very sensitive soul. My childhood traumas makes me like this overprotective. I don’t want people I loved and cherish suffers the way I do.
I’ve been deprived of many wonderful things in life but I accept them as challenges but I know where my feet was firmly planted on where I stand. Knowing what’s necessary or not what to give up as a mother we have priorities and that’s our children and family.
Deprivations, anxieties, bullying,and my broken home makes me wanna hide from the world. I really want to have a happy ever after kind of relationship. Something, like a knight in shining armor will swept you at your feet. I love books from the renaissance period and medieval eras which reflects my thoughts and way of life. I’m conservative in love that’s why online relationships doesn’t appeal me much even, when I was hurting bleeding ocean of tears by stipulating my feelings, I’ll do it. I’m used self-sacrificing even to the extent of forgetting my own needs for the expense of other’s and my loved ones.
Letting myself hurt deprived and abandoned by trying to appease problems of others’. I’ve done it countless times and good sense always win. In trying situations, I noticed while other’s are panicking I was still laughing and show them a way out of their problems.
But now, when marital issues arises this is hard to control especially talking about issues of abuse. Not talking to my husband for almost a month now eases my tension a bit. I realized the severity of my problem, feel shaken by the intensity of it all being faced with his manipulations and controlling attitude it’s very painful and earth shattering .I try to live in illusion because the pain of my situation is hard to accept. I’m just used to think this concept that a woman’s rule is to be at the side of their man no matter what happens they must stay loyal, dedicated, loving wife and mother.
Too many stories of divorce affects me in many sense that I began to question my marital situation. I did not marry for love. I marry him out of fear and saving my integrity and marred reputation. We got into court my family was persuading me to file a case against him since, he took me by force but there’s no sexual penetration he just abduct me and hid me to friends house.He on the other hand suffered mauling and beating in the hands of the authority the mere reason why he uses his strength and hands on my body to hurt me to get even, every time he recalls those eventful past in our lives. I dismissed the case knowing that he is young and I can’t allow a life and future will be wasted because of me.But, he promised to marry me being young inexperienced, abandoned and afraid I go with him. My family was angry of my case dismissal but I’ve made that decision and there’s nothing they can do about it. I think it’s for the best. I’m still intact a virgin at that time, I guess, thinking hard there’s still hope and a future for me at twenty. I’ll work abroad or go home in the province to finish schooling. But they abandoned me in anger leaving me behind with the monster. What shall I do? penniless and wearing stiletto’s will do me no good walking a long way home or get raped in the hands of merciless strangers along the way. So, I go with him after 6 months we got married after 1 and a half-year I gave birth to a lovely daughter.
life with him was very hard since, everyone knows what happened between us without a family who was there attending on my wedding is shameful on my part but I was very apprehensive I want to run and hide or be dead.
Actually, I felt that my wedding was my funeral. I buried my life 6 feet below the ground forgetting who I was by adapting to his lifestyle it’s very taxing and I was always walking in eggshells not to anger him because it would be totally eruptive.
I used all my ability to seduce him even in bed. I love reading novels like Sydney Sheldon. So, though I’m not versed in the mundane world of lovemaking I managed to make him desire and want me. He was insatiable but being inexperienced himself and his selfishness he would never allow me to have orgasm. I was his slave doing all his bidding but not allowed that taste of happiness and that feeling that you are deeply wanted. For him it’s my duty to entertain him every night when we’re together since, he’s the one working for a living so it’s my turn to make him happy but depriving me of my own.In all efforts I’ve done to make him happy and content he don’t want to let me feel that sexual ecstasy that I’ve read in novels. What I have learned that sex is painful not pleasurable. He don’t want me to experience sexual pleasure in fear that I might look for it anywhere since, he’s always working away from home.
I’m always sweet and too vulnerable that’s why he tried to use his anger to frighten me.Knowing, even if it’s his fault It will always lead to lovemaking. I always forgive and forget easily the reason he become insolent and too demanding as years gone by.Allowing him to have access of my boundary he owns me even my breathing space until such a time that he wants to own even my breath. I have no willpower to fight him not until recently that the torments of his indifference and abuse reach to the limit of my self-control until I say enough!