pain

I want to share with you the painful events of my life. I don’t like writing sad stories   because,it evokes painful memories from the past and my present. It’s a challenge I have to accept.

I like to write not happy or sad thoughts but, I felt that it’s badly needed my fears and anxiety grows stronger.I felt so shaken at the events I’ve experienced now and being so vulnerable and raw at the core of my being. I cried and cried and the tears kept falling from my eyes. For many years, I’ve never cried a bucket of tears like I’ve done at this ordeal in my life.

Life has never  been easy for me.I faced many challenges, hardships,mishaps and troubles along the way but still ,I tried  to face a brighter perspective in life  by being able to bounce back from all negative energy and feelings. I don’t want to dwell on the past and review past grudges and hurts. As for me, I have a lot of it but, I learn not to expect much. I learned that the more you expect from someone the more hurt you’ll be when expectations are not met.  I’m a  very sensitive soul. My childhood traumas makes me like this overprotective. I don’t want people I loved and cherish suffers the way I do.

I’ve been deprived of many wonderful things in life but I accept them as challenges but I know where my feet was firmly planted on where I stand. Knowing what’s necessary or not what to give up as a mother we have priorities and that’s our children and family.

Deprivations, anxieties, bullying,and my broken home makes me wanna hide from the world. I really want to have a happy ever after kind of relationship. Something, like a knight in shining armor will swept you at your feet. I love books from the renaissance period and medieval eras which reflects my thoughts and way of life. I’m conservative in love that’s why online relationships doesn’t appeal me much even, when I was hurting  bleeding ocean of tears  by stipulating my feelings, I’ll do it. I’m used  self-sacrificing  even to the extent of forgetting my own needs for the expense of other’s and my loved ones.

Letting myself hurt deprived and abandoned by trying to appease problems of others’. I’ve done it countless times and good sense always win. In trying situations, I noticed while other’s are panicking I was still laughing and show them a way out of their problems.

But now, when marital issues arises this is hard to control especially talking about issues of abuse. Not talking to my husband for almost a month now eases my tension a bit. I realized the severity of my problem,  feel shaken by the intensity of it all being faced with his manipulations and controlling attitude it’s very painful and earth shattering .I try to live in illusion because the pain of my situation is hard to accept. I’m just used to think this concept that a woman’s rule is to be at the side of their man no matter what happens they must stay loyal, dedicated, loving wife and mother.

Too many stories of divorce affects me in many sense that I began to question my marital situation. I did not marry for love. I marry him out of fear and saving my integrity and marred reputation. We got into court my family was  persuading me to file a case against him since, he took me by force but there’s no sexual penetration he just abduct me and hid me to friends house.He on the other hand suffered mauling and beating in the hands of the authority the mere reason why he uses his strength and hands on my body to hurt me to get even, every time  he recalls those eventful past in our lives. I dismissed the case knowing that he is young and I can’t allow a life and future  will be  wasted because of me.But, he promised to marry me being young inexperienced, abandoned and afraid I go with him. My family was angry of my case dismissal but I’ve made that decision and there’s nothing they can do about it. I think it’s for the best. I’m still intact a virgin at that time, I guess, thinking hard  there’s still hope and a future for me at twenty. I’ll work abroad or go home in the province to finish schooling. But they abandoned me in anger leaving me behind with the monster. What shall I do? penniless and wearing stiletto’s will  do me no good walking a long way home or get raped in the hands of merciless strangers along the way. So, I go with him after 6 months we got married after 1 and a half-year I gave birth to a lovely daughter.

life with him was very hard since, everyone knows what happened between us without a family who was there attending on my wedding is shameful on my part but I was very apprehensive I want to run and hide or be dead.

Actually, I felt that my wedding was my funeral. I buried my life 6 feet below the ground forgetting who I was by adapting to his lifestyle it’s very taxing and I was always walking in eggshells not to anger him because it would be totally eruptive.

I used all my ability to seduce him even in bed. I love reading novels like Sydney Sheldon. So, though I’m not versed in the mundane world of lovemaking I managed to make him desire and want me. He was insatiable but being inexperienced himself and his selfishness he would  never allow me to have orgasm. I was his slave doing all his bidding but not allowed that taste of happiness and that feeling that  you are deeply wanted. For him it’s my duty to entertain him every night when we’re together  since, he’s the one working for a living so it’s my turn to make him happy but depriving me of my own.In all efforts I’ve done to make him happy and content he  don’t want to let me  feel that sexual ecstasy that I’ve read in novels. What I have  learned that sex is painful not pleasurable. He don’t want  me to experience sexual  pleasure in fear  that I might look for it anywhere since, he’s always working away from home.

I’m always sweet and too vulnerable that’s why he tried to use his anger to frighten me.Knowing, even if it’s his fault It will always lead to lovemaking. I always forgive and forget easily the reason he become insolent and too demanding as years gone by.Allowing him to have access of my boundary he owns me even my breathing space until such a time that he wants to own even my breath. I have no willpower to fight him not until recently that the torments of his indifference and abuse reach to the limit of my self-control  until I say enough!

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27 comments

  1. sulagno13 · May 6, 2015

    I read your entire story and the only thing i want to say is i feel for you.

    Like

    • franz · May 6, 2015

      it’s ok life will keep going we can’t let time to stop . our heartbeats stops but time goes on

      Liked by 2 people

  2. sulagno13 · May 6, 2015

    your story was very heart touching

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 6, 2015

      thank you.it’s as erratic as my thoughts

      Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 6, 2015

        its ok no matter….i got a glimpse of what u went through…n really feel for u

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 7, 2015

        thanks….for helping out you did great.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 7, 2015

        my pleasure if i did something at lest a little to make you keep your smile 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 7, 2015

        don’t worry I’m totally in control of my feelings and emotions evrything is cleare now….doubts have banished I know where I’ll be heading and I will not run and hide anymore

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 7, 2015

        i am glad and yeah happy you feel that from your heart. 🙂 Take care

        Liked by 2 people

      • franz · May 7, 2015

        yes you too…. thank you I saw what I sought out and learn to understand evrything now….you’re an angel

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 7, 2015

        by the did you read about my angel

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 7, 2015

        yes …. at the school the beautiful girl you like hmmmm….

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 7, 2015

        hmm ❤ my love at 1st sight lol…she is every1 in my blog…but i suggest u read them in this order to get an idea if the chain of events….an unprecedented tale…for someone special…smile moon..a cold night..u ll love them n get to know about my darling my sweetheart ❤ ❤ 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 7, 2015

        yes I will love to know her better ….hmmm hope things will go well to both of you. I’m isolated still right? what are they hiding from me? you know right? I will come to know I have that ability to solve prroblems that’ why they’reaffraid to let me wander but the truth is it’s ok I won’t give up it thrills me do you feel the energy shooting from my fingers? lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 7, 2015

        i feel proud of you 🙂 you will fight back i believe in u 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · May 7, 2015

        yes, I will. …when you’ve been beaten many times then you’ll know. why if a person have been hurt and used without knowing why ….then the univeres will fight for me they’ll give me strenght and enough courage to live through my pain.In the end light will dispel the darkness .

        Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · May 7, 2015

        🙂

        Like

      • franz · May 8, 2015

        please I can’t find it anywhere there’s nothing in pursuit of passion

        Liked by 1 person

  3. colinandray · May 6, 2015

    That is quite the outpouring from your heart! Rather than try and comment on all your issues, allow me to offer some brief observations:

    Is a bad relationship better than no relationship? Absolutely not! A bad relationship is degrading to you who clearly deserve better. Believe it.
    You have a daughter. Be proud of yourself for who she is now and, with your guidance, who she will become.
    Is loyalty and devotion to your partner important? Yes ………. but loyalty and devotion to yourself is much more important. If you are not happy with yourself, then the issues causing that must be identified and addressed. You cannot expect to raise an emotionally healthy child, if you cannot set the example. All the very best and take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 6, 2015

      you’re absolutely right….the truth my children are suffering and it’s painful how a happy family slowly dessipating disintegrating farther apart because of my husbands manipulations now he is blaming me for everything that transpire it really breaks my heart. I’m a very family oriented woman I love children and tring hard to build my family it’s my dream but my hubby manical attitude ruins everything he’s an idiot wanting to manage my life thinking he’s a man and he’s the one feeding us must bow to him and honor him. I fear him not knowing that trying to satisfy his whims will ruin us all .It’s heartbreaking and it change me completely …..the what if’s and what could have beens. All the best thing to do right now is out and I’m talking with my family maybe, in Dubai to assess my faith from the start I’m totally shattered within and my spiritual life suffered .

      Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 6, 2015

      thanks…a very wise and apt word indeed. the truth evrything around me was shattered .All my life I’ve dreamed of a happy family but my husbands attitude or abuse on me ruins evrything. It’s painful that once a happy family disintegrated in thin air all because of religious beliefs difference. He interogates and try to manage our liveseven our breathing till it choked us. Hard but I know i have to endure until I can move but I don’t want to leave my children behind but it’s the only way to gain my self respect.

      Liked by 1 person

      • colinandray · May 6, 2015

        I think it important that if you had strong spiritual beliefs, that you work on restoring them as necessary as that will be a good support for you later. As for him blaming you for everything? Laying blame is a very common way out of a problem simply because if you lay blame, you do not have to take any responsibility for it. It really is a rather pathetic way out of a problem. I sincerely hope that you can find a way out of your situation. Take care.

        Like

  4. globalunison · May 6, 2015

    Consoling didn’t help. I will just tell you to stay strong with your head held high because you tried all you could and should. You are a brave woman and maybe somebody like him didn’t deserve you in the first place.

    -Naima

    Like

  5. Waseem Bashar · May 6, 2015

    It is sad what you experienced, but with your writing it will help others think about their own lives. Thanks for sharing with everyone. Look forward to reading more.

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · May 6, 2015

      yes….problems won’t leave us now it’s a time to review my writings and apply it on myself lol right? it really helps me get through my ordeals of course with the help of my inspiration… my illusion

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Trudy · May 6, 2015

    Please find a way to keep yourself sane in this horrible situation, I know blogging is part of it. The best option is to get away from him but I know that may not be possible right now. Please be careful .

    Liked by 1 person

  7. franz · May 7, 2015

    Thnks for your concern Trudy….I really want to get out when talking to each other vexed me and makes me want to shout and my body shakes with something I can’t put my finger on. The trauma was very deep and painful though I try to clear my mind . I can no longer face him without my whole system battering around me sufferring malfunction. I know , it’s inevitable so I have to endure a little and be out. In any sense deep inside my soul being locked up is hard I want to be a person who matters and want my life is of good use to other’s but he keeps me away from my dreams and that shattered me . I learned my lesson and the reason why I kept fighting here. I won’t allow him to shatter what I try to build here not anymore. I will fight to the end thankful, that this ordeal makes me stronger and wiser.

    Like

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