memoir

I’ve made a mistake in my life and I’m sorry for what I’ve done. In  my hours of darkness, I seek  a perfect company a place a solace in the sun. In a caged life where all around me is darkness seeking someone to talk to and find someone to keep me company. I guess, I learn to love the internet so much that I forgot to look deep inside my heart blinded by illusion in my confusion keep on hoping for something that was not there.

My husband loves me he feared that he might lose me the reason he want to keep me away from friends and company. I lead a terribly lonely life with no one to talk to but him.He treat me like a child and was  like a father guarding my every move. I am a person who loves people who love to associate with friends.I’ve been with my community and as a leader. I was very well-respected. I’ve known for my generosity and passion when I love something.  I want to give my 100% of it and my happiness abounds with blessings of hope and tidings in our heart’s a memory to live by. I was hurt and shaken to know the reason he let me choose between my faith and him was because of a woman? It shakes me to the core I give up everything for him to keep my family intact yet I was wrong. In the process of getting deeply hurt. I was suffering from depression and anxiety I felt so weak and insomnia assails me for a very long time it was almost 2 years then  living a wretched empty life.With friends and  his family that hurt me and betrayed me shook me to the core and I was lost in my loneliness and depression. I can’t pray anymore and my loneliness makes me stray. I ask the universe to lead me to one man the man who can free me from this darkness in my life.He was the very first I’ve known the only man I want to talk and be with.

I come to know him…the very first man I meet with online I know that the divine leads me to him for some reason that I don’t know.Then, it happens during a very few encounter we have a great time together my days become brighter. From the start, I told him that I was married. That I was looking for friendship then thankful that he was there to bring sunshine to my gloomy days.  He told me ” Don’t fall Babe”. I answered back “no it won’t happen”. As days wore off  we often talk in the mornings and try to talk with him at dawn but always was a very short encounter.Until one day, I noticed that we become very close and I saw that he bloomed before my eyes and my days are filled with sunshine when I’m with him.

Until, one day my expectations grow stronger and we got closer. I realized that I come to love him so much there’s something in his personality that pull me closer to him and my life has never been happier. He become my muse, I learn to write poetry again I thought was lost with me forever. He was my inspiration, the very object of my creativity,   the pigment of my imagination. There’s something between us that connects an uncanny feeling  as If I can connect with his thoughts.   Many  unanswered questions in his head about my honesty.And I one day, I told him that I loved him more than my God, I never allow myself to be seen naked by other men it’s only him and him alone. I sense his need at that time and I want to make him happy. It’s a matter of life and death and I love him so much so I gave in and  do everything he told me to do. We seldom see each other maybe, for a month once. It’s ok with me since the day that we have a great fight due to my insecurities I put a big gulf between us. I know he was terribly hurt not knowing what’s wrong. I was just simply jealous at that time and it eaten me alive and was very sorry for what  did.

It was very brief but lasting friendship …I told him that we are twin flames or soul mates. I know that he is a very good man I can see it in his eyes if not I will not talk with him my intuition will never fail me. I can connect with people’s thoughts and feelings in my surroundings. I can sense that he has a good heart we just love each other then so much that it defies reason and comprehension. And that love lingers on I send him a message now and then until last January our last encounter. I said goodbye to him.I just want to know that he loves me that much to test him of what he really feels for me. Then it happens that night, I finally realize that he was the man for me …my future.I give myself to him willingly with passion and intensity our love was so great at that moment. I finally come to realize that I belong to him as  always.   His power over me  was overwhelming that I  melt like ice cream I fear my reaction over him.That sexual and carnal energy that emits passion and desire that fire that flickers between us that is very consuming and mind reeling. This is our story he never told me who he was I have little information about him for  he don’t want me to know.I know deep down inside he was a good man with a golden heart we resonate with each other.That’s the truth between him and me.

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10 comments

  1. lilylanders30 · April 28, 2015

    Very deep feelings expressed here…. thank you for sharing. May I give a little advice or my opinion I guess? There are some lapses in the English being used, like missing words, and while I still enjoyed reading it, I think it would’ve been easier to understand maybe had it not been lacking some of those linking words. I’m not sure if you get what I’m saying, if I’m explaining myself correctly, I hope I am though. My writing is not perfect by any means, half the time I don’t even edit it before hitting post, so I mean no offense at all by this comment, please do not take it that way. Just trying to help, that’s all. Thank you for sharing such deep and personal feelings. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · April 28, 2015

      Lily thank you for your advice I don’t take notice everything because I’m just very confuse at the moment something in my head just don’t synchronized . Thank you so much your advice i greatly appreciated I will go back and study grammar again My mind and reason just don’t agree right now maybe, I will get some rest and stop fighting. I let God do the judgement. I write it and don’t try editing much .I was deeply hurt and broken inside just and I don’t know what to do. Thanks anyways.I just write it and hit post directly not minding my mistakes. I’m very impulsive just but I will try to right my mistakes. I love people who give me advice.That’s all, I will be mindful this time.

      Liked by 1 person

      • lilylanders30 · April 28, 2015

        Hey don’t be hard on yourself, even if English is a persons primary language it’s still difficult not to make errors in grammar and writing. Like I said, I often do not edit my posts before hitting the post button either, no big deal, I just thought I’d give a word of advice, that’s all. When our hearts our hurting our mind doesn’t always work the way it normally would, I totally understand. Don’t even worry about it really, just do you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · April 28, 2015

        yes, lol It’s no big deal I’m deeply grateful indeed for airing it out ….it’s good to know someone criticize constructively and I view them as real friends because they’re the ones who really cares. Thanks Lily you have a good heart.

        Liked by 1 person

      • lilylanders30 · April 28, 2015

        How sweet! Thank you!!! 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · April 28, 2015

        your welcome ! thanks for the friendshipp

        Liked by 1 person

  2. sulagno13 · April 28, 2015

    Dont lose trust on him. All will be good 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · April 28, 2015

      I know that he was fighting for me….you are so sweet . Thank you so much. I can’t read his blogs though but I trust him

      Liked by 1 person

      • sulagno13 · April 28, 2015

        i am very happy you are able to feel and say like that about him. 🙂 Have faith

        Liked by 1 person

    • franz · April 28, 2015

      I was caught in this ….you know I hate making lies but I have to stand my ground and tell the truth. The truth shall set us free in the end.

      Liked by 1 person

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