I tried to love you as best I could even all you did was hurt me and leave me alone here for good.I remember how you humiliate me with all the people that surrounds me extracting them away from me. Stripping me of my dignity, my pride and self-identity from the start.You knew that I could not love you enough but why you always try to break my heart and tear it to pieces. I wish you’ll understand me were just two opposites living together, but we really don’t really know each other.
Why can’t you just respect me and face our problems and misunderstandings together than devising stories to my family who was very far apart from me God knows how I tried to make our marriage work, but the pain just adds up on top of the other until it turns into a mountain too high to climb. You know that I give up everything for you stifling all things that interest me everything that I love to do telling me that I don’t have the right to dream.
The depths of the pain you incur is unbearable I try to stay with our kids, but you’re too selfish abusing your authority over me. Demoralizing me with my friends using my Facebook account and now my family. Shouting at me in front of your relatives and immediate family blackmailing your children to disrespect me by taking and tearing anything that interest me. You want me to just sit and wait on you living a humdrum monotonous life devoid of happiness and excitement. I’m a homebody and I love books and books are my life questioning me how I spend on them where almost everything was given to me by my friends because they know I’m collecting them. Why? I don’t question you how you spent thousands to your family without consulting me.It pained me more how I suffered because of them making myself work to make ends meet because of them the root of all my sufferings. Your parents are here they know everything every step I take. Why didn’t you just consult them? your kids your friends? why my family? I’ve been silent to hide your beastly way towards me how you’ve hurt me in all aspect of abusive nature too many to count. Hurting me physically slapping me in front of your friends in public places even I don’t really know my mistakes. Verbally insulting me bullying me and the people around me so that they’ll run away from me.
I’ve always been too kind at heart too forgiving to a fault maybe, It was my mistake I can’t harbor a grudge in my heart even it’s your mistakes I won’t let the day pass by without patching our misunderstandings. You live to that memory of a passive and submissive wife no matter how much you’ve hurt me verbally, physically, psychologically, mentally before. I don’t give it more importance maybe, due to my traumatic childhood the shame I carry all throughout the years makes me like that. I think because I don’t have parents who are there to love me make me think I don’t deserve love at all. It has a great psychological impact on my personality every good gesture of generosity vested on my behalf I found it hard to accept. I can’t take anything from other’s nor expect anything at all because I’m afraid of getting hurt in return and it would crush me emotionally.I can’t allow that it would probably make me insane.
I’ve awaken to the fact that what you did to me is beyond human comprehension. I didn’t go out nor opted working online because you threaten me all the time. I’m afraid opposing your wrath because you’ re ruthless when angered. I feel very small throughout the years of living together but the cycle goes back over and over, I noticed from the very important things down to the tiniest details that make significance in my life you deprive it away from me.I felt despised and unloved by you.
And, what more this time I can’t forgive you. The people I loved treasured and valued more than my life contacting them telling and manipulating them of your twisted lies.You know that I’m an insomniac and I suffer repetitive depression due to your selfish manipulations.When I was sick and needed your support you just shout at me and kicked my ass angry to spend a penny for my medications. There’s a lot more of your cruel exploits.
Maybe, because it was not love that makes you want me it was lust because I’m not easy prey. Is it because of my sunny personality that you try to curb hiding me from the world? If I have known ….I just continue on my vocation of being a nun at least I know I will be useful then.