counting the ways (abuse)

I tried to love you as best I could even all you did was hurt me and leave me alone here for good.I remember how you humiliate me with all the people that surrounds me extracting them away from me. Stripping me of my dignity, my pride and self-identity from the start.You knew that I could not love you enough but why you always try to break my heart and tear it to pieces. I wish you’ll understand me were just two opposites living together, but we really  don’t really know each other.

Why can’t you just respect me and face our problems and misunderstandings together than devising stories to my family who was very far apart from me God knows how I tried  to make our marriage work, but the pain just adds up on top of the other until it turns into a mountain too high to climb. You know that I give up everything for you stifling all things that interest me everything that I love to do telling me that I don’t have the right to dream.

The depths of the pain you incur is unbearable I try to stay with our kids, but you’re  too selfish abusing your authority over me.  Demoralizing me with my friends using my Facebook  account and now my family. Shouting at me in front of your relatives and immediate family blackmailing your children to disrespect me by taking and tearing anything that interest me. You want me to just sit and wait on you living a humdrum monotonous life devoid of happiness and excitement. I’m a homebody and I love books and books are my life questioning me how I spend on them where almost everything was given to me by  my friends because they know I’m collecting  them. Why? I don’t question you how you spent thousands to your family without consulting me.It pained me more  how I suffered because of them making myself work to make ends meet because of them the root of all my sufferings. Your parents are here they know everything  every step I take. Why didn’t you just consult them? your kids your friends? why my family? I’ve been silent to hide your beastly way towards me how you’ve hurt me in all aspect of abusive nature too many to count. Hurting me physically slapping me in front of your friends in public places even I don’t really know my mistakes.  Verbally insulting me bullying me and the people around me so that they’ll run away from me.

I’ve always  been too kind at heart too forgiving to a fault maybe, It was my mistake  I can’t harbor a grudge in my heart even it’s your mistakes I won’t let the day pass by without patching our misunderstandings. You live to  that memory of a passive and submissive wife no matter how much you’ve hurt me verbally, physically, psychologically, mentally before. I don’t give it more importance maybe, due to my traumatic childhood the shame I carry all throughout the years makes me like that. I think because I don’t have parents who are  there to love me make me think  I don’t deserve love at all. It has a great psychological impact on  my personality every good gesture of generosity vested on my behalf I found it hard to accept. I can’t take anything from other’s nor expect anything at all because I’m afraid of getting hurt in return and it would crush me emotionally.I can’t allow that it would probably make me insane.

I’ve awaken to the fact that what you did to me is beyond human comprehension. I didn’t go out nor opted working online because you threaten me all the time. I’m afraid  opposing your wrath because you’ re  ruthless when angered. I feel very  small throughout the years of living together but the cycle goes back over and over, I noticed from the very important things down to the tiniest details that make significance in my life you deprive it away from me.I felt despised and unloved by you.

And, what more this time I can’t forgive you. The people I loved treasured  and valued more than my life contacting them telling and manipulating them of your twisted lies.You know that I’m an insomniac and I suffer repetitive depression due to your  selfish manipulations.When I was sick and needed your support you just shout at me and kicked my ass angry to spend a penny for my medications. There’s a lot more of your cruel exploits.

Maybe, because it was not love that makes you want me it was lust because I’m not easy prey. Is it because of my sunny personality that you try to curb hiding me from the world? If I have known ….I just continue on my vocation of being a nun at least I know I will be useful then.

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26 comments

  1. sulagno13 · April 27, 2015

    oh my god thats really sad 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  2. izza ifzaal · April 27, 2015

    Franz you are such a strong person dealing with everything and trust me everything is going to be okay just a bit more wait and you’ll see all the justice being done to you because GOD is gracious..please don’t be sad..I am just scared of marriage as well :/
    But I wish you all the happiness and Joy ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • izza ifzaal · April 27, 2015

      I guess somehow your comment got deleted :/ but soon everything will be okay and somehow you do have the instinct of knowing me well in my last post “Till my last breath ” and we have connected well. .what I admire most about you is your believe in God. Soon the deserving will get their demise..
      lots of love! 😍 😘

      Liked by 1 person

      • franz · April 27, 2015

        hope so…

        Like

      • izza ifzaal · April 27, 2015

        I am always there for you. Take care 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · April 27, 2015

        thanks..

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · April 27, 2015

        whatever you hear degaratory on my part don’t believe it I don’t have any personal or sexual intercourse with anyman for 5 years that’s the truth. I’m poor I don’t work so if they read my blogs they would be mistaken that is to find out who make the mistake ….you know sleuthing?

        Like

      • izza ifzaal · April 27, 2015

        yeah! I know about sleuthing..Do you have a gmail id so i can mail you ?

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · April 27, 2015

        ok…but about what you said to me I have no access of all the info it’s yours to solve . here vivien26gabrillo@gmail.com

        Like

      • franz · April 27, 2015

        hope you will not change the way I sense it now I can feel the heat of what you really feel…. I can sense your heart and what in your mind ….hope your ok too ….don’t let your anger consume you search the truth it’s a game of power izza what happen here in wordpress to us is a secret we are separate from the other bloggers and what happens here will not go out trust me . Don’t be angry this is just a game and nothing more in the end you will realize that it’s a test of integrity and honesty your secrets is safe with you . I use my real name so the big risk is mine. Don’t be afraid we are securely protected whatever happens your secret is safe with you.If someone tries to make me bad from your eyes I know myself better. I’m not afraid to take responsibility of my actions

        Like

      • izza ifzaal · April 27, 2015

        thanks alot Franz for being there and I am also not afraid to pour my heart out here 🙂 I do hope there is light after every darkness ..

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · April 27, 2015

        yes don’t be afraid there is …..we will count on one another . Be stong

        Liked by 1 person

  3. globalunison · April 27, 2015

    It took me a while and a bit of pain on my part to realize being too forgiving, submissive and loving was never a strength. It was a move to give the man his upper hand and make myself vulnerable.
    It hurts to go back in time but you did a great job writing your heart out. I hope and wish only the best for you not out of any pity or sympathy but because a woman as strong as you deserves only the best.

    Blessings and love,
    -Naima

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · April 27, 2015

      thank you Naima …actually I write it because I was totally shaken by what he did to me. I was terribly hurt to the core.

      Liked by 1 person

      • globalunison · April 27, 2015

        I can imagine but just know that if you are hurt then you are loved too (by people like us and your loved ones).
        Take care and stay blessed.

        -Naima

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · April 27, 2015

        tHANK YOU SO MUCH NAIMA writing in wordpress really invigorates me I can feel the depression that overpowers me before slowly easing out from my system because you are there…. Thank you for giving me a reason to smile.

        Liked by 1 person

      • globalunison · April 27, 2015

        And let that smile linger around for a while because it suits you very well (I can see it)

        -Naima

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · April 27, 2015

        yes ….see 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Trudy · April 27, 2015

    Please keep yourself safe. This is the description of an insecure male,not man, because a real man would never do this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • franz · April 27, 2015

      yes I know…He always want to hurt me in every posssible way he is happy when I get irritated and angry being too submissive it gives him primal strenght. Now, it’s not funny anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Trudy · April 27, 2015

        It’s never funny. Protect yourself and the children.

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · April 27, 2015

        yES, i WILL HE MANIPULATES EVERYONE AND MY CHILDREN WAS SHAKEN AND IT’S PAINFUL WHEN HE TRY TO USE HIS POWER TO MAKE MY CHILDREN DESPISE ME. nOW I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE i DON’T WANT O WRITE IT BUT I WANT HIM TO KNOW AND REALIZE HIS MISTAKES.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Trudy · April 27, 2015

        He won’t because he thinks he’s right and he must have been raised to think this is how you handle women. You just need to get out.

        Liked by 1 person

      • franz · April 27, 2015

        YES, i KNOW IT’S TRULY PAINFUL WHEN MY FAMILY HE TRIED TO MANIPULATE TELLING THEM HE WAS THE VICTIM OF HIS MADE UP MALICIOUS LIES.iT ANGER ME THE MOST MARRIAGE CONFLICT MUST BE DISCUSSED BETWEEEN US. HE WON’T LISTEN TO ME THINKING I WAS LYING SO THERE’S NO USE PUTTING SENSE IN HIS HEAD.

        Liked by 1 person

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